…hasn’t Tim Burton made this film like ten times?
Listen, it doesn’t matter the year because summer always follows the same damn formula. Every June needs a Green Lantern. Each July has gotta have its own Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. And all the Augusts I’ve ever known require at least a dose of G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, or something similarly forgettable.
What I’m trying to say here is that though summer typically brings the biggest blockbusters of the year, it also corrals in some of the worst crap, most unoriginal ideas and stupidest sequels known to man. 2012, though featuring some potentially fantastic fare this year, is really no different. Don’t believe me? See for yourself:more
Before a great figure there was…an even greater figure.
Okay, so here’s the deal: you guys have all seen the movie version of Watchmen, or read the comic book Watchmen, or pre-ordered your Watchmen toaster, right? Well, after years of lively back-and-forth (to put it nicely) with the creators and fans, DC Comics will finally release a prequel to the book called Before Watchmen. But not just one prequel… They’re actually releasing eight miniseries this June , each focusing on one character from the original Watchmen book.
This would be a big story no matter what, but it’s compounded by the fact that Watchmen writer Alan Moore is on bad terms with DC, and a lot of fans feel that capitalizing on a literary magnum opus like this is in poor taste. So to say there’s been a lot of talk about this in the comic book world is a bit of an understatement, but for the rest of the non-comic crowd, there hasn’t been much buzz. Heck, pretty much everyone we talk to who isn’t a comics journalist or a comics professional didn’t even know Before Watchmen was happening.
That is, until now. Before Watchmen may not be out on stands until June… But we read it thirty-five minutes ago.more
Height: 5’6″
Weight: 105 lbs.
Profession: Student
Preferred Celebrity Status: Model
Relationship Status: singlemore
What wouldn’t you pay to see an actual match with these gloves?
A lot of girls have ripped someone’s heart out, but very few actually do it by hand. Sizzling hot chef Rochelle Bilow gave us the bloody rundown on what it’s like to slaughter your own chicken dinner…and then wear your meal as boxing gloves for some down-home country fisticuffs. She also furnished us another easy recipe you can make to impress a lady with your simple but superior cooking skills.
Caution: some graphic photos lie within, but you’re an adult and able to face where your food comes from, right?
Thrawn already figured out 17 ways to win this popularity contest, yo
Grand Admiral Thrawn, obviously. That dude could not be defeated except by his own hubris. But since that’s a foregone conclusion, here are a bunch of other characters who would like you to elect them The Internet’s Favorite Star Wars Character.
Han Solo, is currently in the lead, but Vader’s only number 6! And neither of the Fetts nor Yoda cracks the Top 10. You need to go vote that list to its correct assortment right now. more
Say goodbye to your social life
Yesterday saw the release (and the subsequent launch problems) of Diablo III. Now that your body has forced you to surface for bathroom, food, and sleep, we’d like to entertain you with an oral history of how the Diablo franchise turned role-playing into a respectable activity–or a remorseless addiction. It’s a matter of perspective, really. more
“Let me craft you a drink I originally mixed for the Queen of Bialya…”
Cocktails turn drinking into a skillset. Offering a lady your bottle of Fireball won’t impress her, even though it’s incredibly generous because if that’s what you’re drinking it’s probably all your Earthly possessions. Offering a beer is just basic courtesy (and let’s be honest: James Bond doesn’t drink beer for a reason). But offering a cocktail says, “I know how to do complicated things which will make you feel good.”
Unfortunately most “beginner” cocktail guides put the word “beginner” in quotation marks for a reason. They promise to introduce the most essential recipes and then start throwing around terms like “simple syrup” and “fresh lime juice.” That’s like asking a new student to arrive at karate class with the guns of four muggers. Those are things he’ll definitely have when he’s an expert, and he’ll will enjoy it, but at the beginning all it does is ensure he’ll never get to the dojo.
That’s why we’re offering a real beginners guide to drinks. Every drink below is easy to make, every ingredient can be bought in bottles at the the liquor store or supermarket, and those bottles can be used for many other drinks. No need to thank us; just remember to name any children after us who were conceived after pouring one of these for a lady.more
Save Knuckles the Puggle! (credit: Craig Dershowitz)
So this fella Craig Dershowitz bought a puggle — a pug/beagle mix — and named him Knuckles, because why wouldn’t you? Just look at that scrappy fella there, head cocked all all to the side, as if to say, “We play more now?”
Anyway, life happens, as it does, and Dershowitz broke up with his lady, Sarah Brega. She took Knuckles with her to California, and the custody battle began. Brega claims Dershowitz gave her the dog, but he says on his fundraising page Rescue Knux, “The courts gave me custody already but, sadly, the system is too complex and expensive to make anything that simple and easy.”
Dershowitz blames the protracted battle on Brega’s wealthy family supporting her “filing crazy, frivolous motions just knowing that I can’t afford to respond even after the judge has ruled in my favor.”
Now we can’t say what the story is, but we can say any guy who spends $60,000 really wants his dog back and will make a great owner. He’s raising funds in hopes of concluding this legal battle, and he’s got tons of donors offering neat swag for your escalating donations.
The guy already suffered a break-up. Now it’s gotta cost him sixty large and he still doesn’t get his best friend back? Be a guy and chuck in a sawbuck to help Dershowitz rescue his dog. Your dog would do anything for you, so let’s man together and help him do the same for Knux.
Irwin, La Broad, & Pudlin / Wikipedia
Professional athletes are the pinnacle of human physicality. They spend tireless hours in the gym, perfecting their bodies to push their physical limits, all so we can feel entertained while we chug another beer. Athletes have the bodies that we wish we had. At least, most athletes do. Occasionally, a professional sports human (I find it hard to always use the word athlete to describe them) will hobble along and capture our attention. Perhaps it’s exceptional skill, immaculate accuracy, or complete blind luck; unfit athletes have a certain spell over us all. A gravy covered, one more soda spell. Who are the most successful, least athletic athletes in the history of athletics? Let’s take a look.
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